Did your stupid family
FAIL YOU MISERABLY with their atrocious gift selections this Christmas and/or
Chanukah? Well, fuck those morons with a
reindeer antler! You're a big boy and/or
girl now, and you can conspicuously consume for your very own self. Do you not feel like you spent enough money
on useless crap this holiday season?
Fear not, brave consumers: there is still time to empty your bank
account, stimulate the economy, do your part to keep the terrorists from
winning, and help keep your favorite mall merchants out of Chapter 11 for at
least another month or three. Let the
helpful suggestions commence:
That's right: BLITZ.
Specifically AFTER-CHRISTMAS BLITZ.
Since we said "Christmas", we felt we didn't have to worry
about using Nazi imagery that's potentially offensive to all those
candle-lighters out there. Were it the
AFTER-CHANUKAH BLITZ, well, that would just be wrong. Good thing we didn't
say anything tasteless like that then, isn't it?
You know, I think I'm done with Santa for good this time. I must have told him a million times this
season: "Santa, what I want more than peace on earth and a healthy, prosperous
year for my family and friends is an endless supply of junk from a home
shopping network that isn't even QVC".
Do you think he heard a word I said?
No. He's always too busy
listening to those damned meddling kids to bother with me. Self-centered jerk.
This is actually a great idea: waste money on Christmas-related
stuff that was too gaudy to actually sell before the big day. Take it home, stash it somewhere where you'll
be "sure to find it next year".
Eleven months or so from now, when said crap is either hopelessly lost
or long since dumpstered thanks to your big Spring Cleaning Initiative, you'll
get to swear up a blue streak about all
that goddamned money you've now just flushed down the toilet because no one in
this fucking house can just leave anything where it is. Win-freaking-win, baby!
With straight talk as practical as this, it's hard to
believe that the Post Office is in as much trouble as they are: Don't even bother with that crap people
bought for you. Why not just pack it up
and send it back in one of our convenient FREE BOXES? (Of course, when you find out what Priority
Mail costs these days, you'll understand why we give away the materials). In fact, why not take it a step further
and really get into the spirit of the holidays?
Instead of shipping your unwanted gifts back to their point of retail
origin, why not just pick a random name out of the white pages and ship your
free box to them instead? Imagine the
holiday joy that will ensue: "Look honey: an officially licensed Rebecca Black self-tuning Karaoke machine! No, I don't know who sent it...it must just
be a Christmas miracle!"
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