Did your stupid family FAIL YOU MISERABLY with their atrocious gift selections this Christmas and/or Chanukah? Well, fuck those morons with a reindeer antler! You're a big boy and/or girl now, and you can conspicuously consume for your very own self. Do you not feel like you spent enough money on useless crap this holiday season? Fear not, brave consumers: there is still time to empty your bank account, stimulate the economy, do your part to keep the terrorists from winning, and help keep your favorite mall merchants out of Chapter 11 for at least another month or three. Let the helpful suggestions commence:
That's right: BLITZ. Specifically AFTER-CHRISTMAS BLITZ. Since we said "Christmas", we felt we didn't have to worry about using Nazi imagery that's potentially offensive to all those candle-lighters out there. Were it the AFTER-CHANUKAH BLITZ, well, that would just be wrong. Good thing we didn't say anything tasteless like that then, isn't it?
You know, I think I'm done with Santa for good this time. I must have told him a million times this season: "Santa, what I want more than peace on earth and a healthy, prosperous year for my family and friends is an endless supply of junk from a home shopping network that isn't even QVC". Do you think he heard a word I said? No. He's always too busy listening to those damned meddling kids to bother with me. Self-centered jerk.
This is actually a great idea: waste money on Christmas-related stuff that was too gaudy to actually sell before the big day. Take it home, stash it somewhere where you'll be "sure to find it next year". Eleven months or so from now, when said crap is either hopelessly lost or long since dumpstered thanks to your big Spring Cleaning Initiative, you'll get to swear up a blue streak about all that goddamned money you've now just flushed down the toilet because no one in this fucking house can just leave anything where it is. Win-freaking-win, baby!
With straight talk as practical as this, it's hard to believe that the Post Office is in as much trouble as they are: Don't even bother with that crap people bought for you. Why not just pack it up and send it back in one of our convenient FREE BOXES? (Of course, when you find out what Priority Mail costs these days, you'll understand why we give away the materials). In fact, why not take it a step further and really get into the spirit of the holidays? Instead of shipping your unwanted gifts back to their point of retail origin, why not just pick a random name out of the white pages and ship your free box to them instead? Imagine the holiday joy that will ensue: "Look honey: an officially licensed Rebecca Black self-tuning Karaoke machine! No, I don't know who sent it...it must just be a Christmas miracle!"