Ground shipping deadline! Order now or arrive empty handed! Whip out your credit card right this very minute, or you might as well send the kiddies to school in Nanuet! Free expedited shipping, since your lazy ass didn't bother to conspicuously consume before now: would you please buy something already?
I swear to Rudolph on high, the last few times Outlook has auto-checked my email, there have been at least four new messages each time bearing some variation on the above. Truth be told, most of my shopping is finished, save for a few items I still need to grab locally. All of my ideas are long since locked in, but in the interest of cheap yuks, let's take a gander at what's being hawked hourly in my inbox, shall we? Some of this stuff is downright bizarre.
Wait...shit...you can't wrap pancakes? Well, there goes Rhea's Christmas. Damn it, why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? (As an aside, the "Hi, Will" salutation at the top is a nice touch. I feel so wanted!)
Ahh yes, so the petty criminals of the subway system know exactly whom they've stolen the thing from. It's the gift that never stops giving...to someone else.
Three guesses which of these discounts my particular coupon wasn't for. First two don't count.
In the interest of full disclosure, Newbury Comics is one of my favorite stores on the planet, and it's probably a good thing for my wallet that their closest location is a solid couple of hours away. That said, if you can explain to me what novelty hats and vinyl records have to do with each other - and, here's the catch, without using the word "hipster" or a synonym thereof - you will win one fairly scratched up Christopher Cross LP that I have absolutely no idea why I possibly own. (You pick up - the thing isn't even remotely worth mailing.)
Just white t-shirts? Racists.