Let's talk about music for a few minutes, shall we? It seems like a good idea, given that this half-music
blog hasn't done much music-ing
since this holiday series began. Let's
also acknowledge that music discussion naturally lends itself to the unleashing
of my inner snob. It's not my finest
attribute, granted, but I have learned how to use it to my advantage at times. Like now, as I present you with my all-time
Holiday Pop Bottom Ten, the songs that will get you thrown the hell off my
porch if you even think about caroling them in my direction.
CONVOLUTED CRITERIA: These
are all pop songs, not traditional carols.
A pop singer butchering a traditional carol is acceptable, but Christmas
tunes that pre-date the rock 'n' roll era on their own are ineligible. The songs must have been hits, or at least
demonstrably popular somewhere. While
I'm a big fan (I guess) of my William Hung Christmas album, as well as the one
with carols performed entirely through farting, I'm also willing to acknowledge
that the audience for those is limited.
Videos alone aren't enough to qualify a performance. Divorced from its ridiculous visual
component, I like Hall & Oates'
version of "Jingle Bell Rock."
Songs are listed in no particular order, except for number one.
Enough with the explanations and qualifications: let's cover our ears!
10. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", Elmo and Patsy.
The audible definition of something that's trying far too hard to be
funny. I was ten or so when the dreadful
thing gained popularity, and championed it, as kids will, simply because it
pissed off my parents so much. I also
backed myself into a corner with it: "Mom, I want that record!" Came home, threw it on my little
turntable...and realized that I'd wasted my week's allowance on a song that I
didn't really like, and that was on the radio every five minutes. Lesson
learned, I think.
9. "The Happy Elf", Harry Connick, Jr. A
mainstay of my time working Christmases at Borders, or perhaps a mainstay of my
friends there trying to get my goat a bit.
Either way, imagine dealing with Westchester County customers setting
new standards in entitlement with this smarmy bit of Christmas crud looping in
the background. To this day, I still
refer to it as "The Crappy Elf."
I don't care that that's completely un-clever; it's true, damn it.
8. "Christmas Wrapping", The Waitresses. You're
gonna miss this one this year. Got
it. No need to repeat the sentiment for
the next five minutes ad nauseam. I've
got it on good authority that Chrissie Hynde sends coal to her pale
imitators. Or a PETA t-shirt drenched in
red paint. Or something.
7. "Dominick the Donkey", Lou Monte. Just you
move over, Mario and Snooki: it turns out that neither of you is America's most
beloved ethnic stereotype, at least not in December. Aside from number one, this is easily the
song on this list that sends me uppa-da-wall
the quickest. Congratulations, I guess.
6. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", John Cougar and/or Mellencamp. I can't stand Mellencamp no matter which
surname he's using right now. I can't
stand this song no matter who sings it.
Ergo, it's a perfect match, at least insofar as things that suck
monumentally can be described as "perfect". The audio equivalent of coal, coal, and more
coal.
5. "Please Come Home for Christmas", Bon Jovi. 'Tis
the season for some hairspray. Fa la la
la la, la la la *click*.
4. "All I Want for Christmas is You", Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey. A real accomplishment: the rest of the
songs on this list have made it here by annoying the hell out of me for
years. This monument to insincerity and
auto-tune managed that feat in the less than two weeks since it was unveiled at
the Rockefeller Center special. Kudos,
Mariah and Justin, kudos.
3. "Wonderful Christmastime", Paul McCartney. In
which the Cute Beatle sets his new Casio synthesizer to the "high pitched
fart noises" setting and sings all cute-like over the results. As usual with McCartney as a solo artist, cute quickly gives way to smug, and the unfailing melodic sense
that generally redeems him in moments like this is completely MIA here. What's left is the aural version of preening
and, well, the high-pitched fart noises.
2. "Do They Know It's Christmas", Band Aid. Charity
is wonderful, and an integral part of the holiday season. That said, this song itself is utterly
dreadful. Monotonous? Check.
Tuneless? Check. Depressing?
Check. Sanctimonious? Check, beginning with the title and
continuing all the way to the last echo-chambered chorus. Sung by a choir of Brits likely more
interested in how much mug time they got in the resulting video than actually
being able to find Ethiopia on a map?
Absolutely.
1. "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)", The Chipmunks. Oh my god shut it off no really please
shut this crap the hell off holy sweet Jesus that high-pitched whining makes me
wish I were deaf AAAALLLLLVVVVIIINNN
oh god where's the turkey baster maybe I can pierce my eardrums with it.
HONORABLE MENTION: "Elf's
Lament", by the Barenaked Ladies featuring Michael Buble. That's right: The Barenaked Ladies featuring Michael Buble. Let that high-talent combination sink into
your grey matter for a minute or two.
I've never actually heard it. I saw it on a list, and verified its
existence elsewhere on the 'net with the volume on my speakers pointedly
OFF. Dear readers, I love and appreciate
you dearly, but there is only so much I'm willing to endure in the name of
research. I trust you understand.
DISQUALIFIED: The
Pogues' "Fairytale of New York", Joni Mitchell's "River",
and Wham!'s "Last Christmas", while set in the holiday season, are
not actually Christmas songs in any sort of deck-the-halls sense. For the record, I love the first named of
those, admire the second without generally wishing to invite the depression
that comes with hearing it, and shrug in the general direction of the third.
When I heard McCartney's song on the radio today, all I could think was "high pitched fart noises". Thanks for giving a well-deserved name to that annoying sound!
ReplyDeleteHa! Glad to be of service/I'm sorry about that (apply as appropriate.) I never could figure out what he was thinking - the thing sounds like the soundtrack to some Atari game, and a bad one at that.
ReplyDelete