Saturday, October 1, 2011

What, No Vodka and Orange Jooth?

You really, really can't make this stuff up.  The following is swiped without permission from this news story:

Kiss have announced that they have partnered with wine distributor Rewine to release their own brand of wines and beers. 

The alcoholic beverages will be sold in customized KISS packaging, which you can view above, and will be available across Europe this autumn. 

The Zin Fire Wine is said to be a “bold and fruity 2010 California Zinfandel” with a blend of blackberry and pepper, while the Destroyer Beer is “an easy-to-drink beer in the best German tradition.” You can read more about the products at

According to a statement posted on the band’s Facebook page, band member Paul Stanley said: "
This isn’t just something we put a label on. We wanted wine and beer unique to KISS and we got it. This stuff will set your taste buds on fire."  Gene Simmons added: “If you love beer and wine, this one is for you!”.

The Kiss-brand wine is available now in Sweden, Norway, Finland, Denmark, The Netherlands and the UK, while the beer is expected to be released in mid-October.

Gene, Paul?  Hi, yeah, one question for you guys: you both pride yourself on being tea-totalers, right?  So how in the fuck would you know if this stuff will set my taste buds on fire or not?

Oh, and Paul?  Don't think I didn't pick up on the part about the wine being "bold and fruity." I'm simply being a gentleman and letting the obvious joke just kinda lie there.*

In all seriousness, I'm not about to rant about Kiss' ridiculous merchandising.  Honestly, all this dumb crap exists because somebody - actually, an entire army of somebodies, if you will - is willing to buy it.  Not me, for the record: before meeting Rhea, a fan since her teens, I always dismissed Kiss as children's music, one step if that above Sesame Street records.  I'm still not exactly what you'd call a big fan, but my fairer half has convinced me that sometimes dumb, fun schlock that doesn't pretend to be anything more than what it is has a place in this world.

But buy this stuff?  Moi?  Non!  True story: I bought Rhea a - get this - REMASTERED REISSUE of Music from "The Elder" as a gag gift a few years back.  Spent real, hard-earned money on it, too.  As far as I'm concerned, me and good ol' Gene are square, financially speaking, from here on out.  In fact, if anything, he owes me a beer for that, be it a Kiss brand (tm) one or otherwise.

I don't think I'll exactly hold my breath waiting, though.

* For those of you who might be new to these parts, both this quip and the title of this post are intended to lampoon the contrast between Paul Stanley's flamboyant, lisping stage announcements (typified by his infamous "vodka and orange juice" monologue before "Cold Gin" on Kiss Alive) and his otherwise stereotypical rock-star stage persona.  They are in no way meant as any sort of gay-bashing.  Still a bit concerned?  Head over here.

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