10. RICK ASTLEY,
"Never Gonna Give You Up"
Hipster pandering on Rolling Stone's part, pure and simple. It's no work of
art, granted, but it's about as average and as typical as late '80s pop
gets. Maybe even a bit better than
average, really: unlike so many of his peers, Astley could sing well
enough. Had RickRolling not briefly a
thing earlier in the decade, this bit of innocuous pop wouldn't have come
anywhere near the top ten.
9. TACO,
"Puttin' On the Ritz"
Proof positive, in case such proof was actually needed, that
it was a good thing that Irving Berlin - with whom the song itself originated
in 1929 - did not have access to synthesizers and drum machines. Retro smarm at its ugliest.
8. TONI BASIL,
"Mickey"
The Katy Perry of her generation: probably a bit older than
her bio claimed her to be, and absolutely too old to be slinging such juvenile/suggestive
nonsense. I suppose the video has passed
into some sort of kitsch notoriety by now, but trying to listen to the song
without the visuals is a task only suited for the brave, not to mention one I
wouldn't wish on anyone I love.
7. BOBBY McFERRIN,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy"
Fans suggest that it was some sort of ironic mocking of the
"me-first" mentality of the Reagan '80s, while detractors decry it as
a coarse celebration of same. People who
care about their ears don't care: they just hold them at the first strains of
this diabetes-inducing junk. Music like
this is the reason Slayer needed to exist simultaneously, folks.
6. FALCO, "Rock
Me Amadeus"
Now that's some
goofy shit. Really nothing more to say
about it. A novelty that could only have
been a hit at the exact cultural moment in which it was.
5. MEN WITHOUT HATS,
"The Safety Dance"
I briefly thought about this one at lunch, but dismissed it
as seeming a bit too much like something that had largely fallen off the
pop-culture radar. The song is pretty
typical synth-pop of the time; not exactly good, mind you, but hardly the worst
of the batch. It's gotta be the video (Dancing Midget! Renaissance Faire!) that bumped
it up a notch or three. Having just
watched it again on YouTube, I can absolutely see why.
4. WHAM!, "Wake
Me Up Before You Go-Go"
Rhea's a big George Michael fan. I respect the guy, actually: he is extraordinarily
talented. The only problem with him for
me is that he is extraordinarily talented at creating dance pop and ballads,
two types of music I generally try to steer clear of. C'est la vie, I suppose - speaking of which,
why isn't Robbie Nevil on this list?
Anyway, this song is Michael's one piece of true, unmitigated
shite. Much like "The Safety
Dance", I'm sure the video didn't help matters much - but neither did saying "jitterbug" 10,232 times in the course
of four fucking minutes, either. Aaagh,
my ears, they bleed even contemplating it.
3. CHRIS DeBURGH,
"Lady in Red"
Embarrassing admission: I had to look this one up. Look, I was the kind of shy/different sort of
kid who didn't exactly go to his prom or anything. You'll have to forgive me if my knowledge of
the slow dance really doesn't pick up until the '90s, when I was finally
confident enough in my own weird boots to find my way to the floor. Pathos aside, why on Earth is this number
three? It's a typical slow, romantic
number of its time. It's a bit better
than, but not completely unlike, Peter Cetera and/or post-Jazz Chicago. And, yes, I did vaguely know it once the chorus
hit, truth be told. Still, I'm a bit
mystified here: why is this appreciably worse than other, similar sorts of
things that were also popular at the time?
2. EUROPE, "The
Final Countdown".
A pioneering effort, in its way: pop metal so soft it
managed to forget to be metal at all. Somewhere
right now, at a pay-to-play night at Mel's Booze Barn in Sheboygan, the
Brothers Nelson toil in shame, knowing they owe it all to you, Europe. The hair!
The off-kilter harmonies! The annoying synthesizer line! This is the music that Jon Bon Jovi works out
to, staring himself in the mirror and repeating his mantra: "I am not
a wuss!" The one entry on this list
that I think is absolutely correctly placed.
1. STARSHIP, "We
Built This City"
Nope, sorry, you lose, Rolling
Stone, and shame on you for following trends so desperately. A few years back, in a list co-created with
those geniuses over at VH-1, Blender
magazine declared "We Built This City" the Most Awesomely Bad Song
Ever. (The link appears to have
disappeared with Blender itself, but
it's referenced in the song's Wikipedia entry, for whatever that's worth to
ya.) Ever since, it's been open season
for lazy hipsters. Look, I'm not here to
defend "We Built This City", a work that's probably embarrassing at
this point to any of the members of Starship's fully-named forebears. Clearly, it's not the classic Woodstock-era
rock of Jefferson Airplane's "Volunteers", nor is it even the guilty-pleasure,
sub-Foreigner '80s mullet-rawk of Jefferson Starship's "Find Your Way Back". And yes, it is funny to hear
Grace Slick - the only member of this Starship who graced the recordings of both
of the Jeffersons - emote that line about "changing corporation
names" with a straight face. But,
really, the worst? With the likes of "Addicted to Love" and "Love Touch", to name but two, nowhere in sight in
this top ten? Go mambo with Marconi,
losers - and get an original thought through your head for a change while
you're at it.
And, finally, why
this list is full of EPIC FAIL, as the kids say:
Because by any reasonable standard, this is number one with
a bullet. Drum machines without a hint
of sex or swing? Check! Synth horns that sound more like car
horns? Check! English-as-a-Second-Language lyrics that
shoot for double entendre and miss by miles?
Check! Intentional yodeling? Check!
Unintentional yodeling?
Check!
Dear readers, I give you "Tarzan Boy" by
Baltimora. With a caveat: if you watch
this video, the Westboro Baptist Church
will protest you. In fact, I think
they're on my lawn with their dopey little signs as I write this.
Still, you should go for it anyway: both experiences are likely well worth
having.
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