Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Grampa Will's College Tips, Part 1

Contrary to the sign in Macy’s, it is not quite off-to-college season yet.  In fact, it’s currently the opposite end of the summer from off-to-college season, but seeing as how summer has a way of disappearing right before our eyes, I figured that now was the right time for a new occasional series on the blog: Grampa Will’s College Tips, inspired equally by my interest in rebooting my own education and by the utterly ludicrous thing I spotted in Macy’s this evening, which we’ll discuss momentarily.

Our legal department insists that before we begin, I make it perfectly clear that you, smart college-bound reader, take any advice I have to offer completely at your own risk.  The fact that I’m looking into finishing my bachelor’s degree now, at thirty-seven years old, should tell you that I am not to be completely emulated in this particular arena.  Still, I did do a lot of living during my collegiate years, so perhaps my lessons learned back then will provide you with some guidance – or, more likely, a few cheap yuks.  Onward, then.

Part One: Bedding

The first thing you need to know, before we even discuss why you shouldn’t be shopping for this stuff at Macy’s, is that most college dorms feature “extra long” beds.  This bit of information may prove invaluable to you; better to know it in advance and be prepared than be the dope standing there on move-in day growling ever more loudly “why the fuck doesn’t it fit?” and thusly marking yourself as a mama’s boy/girl who probably never made your own bed before in your entire life.

Walking through Macy’s this evening, I saw a bedding pack (yes, it was extra long, actually) aimed specifically at the newly collegiate.  Price tag: $129.  No, no, no, no and no.  Bear in mind that I’m not suggesting that you proceed immediately to the cheapest sheets Wal-Mart has to offer, but walk through this with me, okay?  Your bed is your own personal roost, and you’ll spend more time there than you think.  So why not pamper yourself, right?  Wrong: in time, you will drop food on your bed.  You will spill beer, liquor, and/or bong water on your bed.  You will vomit on your bed.  You will have sex on your bed.  There will be times when two or more of these events happen in tandem.  True, it’s not exactly what Mom and Macy’s had in mind for you, but it’s more than likely what will happen.  Do you need the top of the line for that?  Of course not.

Nor do you want the bottom of the barrel, either: while that $20-all-in set from Wal-Mart might be light on your wallet, it will literally be hard on your ass as well.  Given the nature of some of the extra-curricular activities described above, it may become important to not mistake pelvic itches derived from low standards for those derived from poor bedding.  So say goodbye to both Macy’s and Wal-Mart, and say hello to your 20% off Bed Bath & Beyond coupon; in this case, the middle is where the cool kids hang out.  Literally.

No comments:

Post a Comment