Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever been entertained in any way by Charlie Sheen. I’ve no idea if he’s a talented actor or not; truth be told, I don’t ever recall anything he’s appeared in holding my interest for more than ten minutes or so. It’s probably fair to say his tastes and mine run differently and move on. Still, I’ve learned much from the winning-est winner in this winning world these past couple of weeks. To wit:
1) Damn, Two and a Half Men was one popular show. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew it was a sitcom that had been on for a few years, but I had no idea that it had become quite the juggernaut that it was: sort of an Everybody Loves Raymond for the ‘00s, I guess. Me? I saw five minutes of it five years or so ago, and found it so entertaining that it inspired me to actually do math: Precocious kid + Charlie Sheen = Where’s the Remote?
2) Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Rick James RIP. I’ll bet that Charlie’s “goddesses” are indeed the kind you don’t take home to mother.
3) Sober Valley Ranch is the best name given to anything, ever. Seriously, if it were a salad dressing, I might even rock the lettuce and croutons once in a while.
4) For entertainment purposes, we need more downward spiraling celebrities, and I’m not referring to any of this Lindsay Lohan-style passive-aggressive has-been-dom, either. No, I’m talking about folks like Charlie who understand the art form of flying on white powdered wings straight for the sun. Really, who else is going to completely fuck up their lives so that we may vicariously binge through them at the current moment? Who’s going to fill the rockstar void now that all of the real ones are dead, rehabbed, or have gone all emo on us? I mean, Steven Tyler has become a beloved old American Idol judge fer Chrissakes. Thank you, Charlie, for burning out so brightly so that all of us boring, normal sheep can just enjoy the hell out of it on TV. From those about to flock, we salute you.
5) What is it about the Jews that sets all of these whack-a-loons off? I mean, really, pick a less predictable target, would ya? First Mel, and now this: if Chuck Lorre really is half the asshole that Charlie makes him out to be (and who the hell knows – or honestly cares – if he is or not), the fact that his real name is Chaim Witz or whatever has nothing to do with it. C’mon, Charlie, I’m beggin’ ya: just let me enjoy your self-immolation without actually having to develop a moral stance about it, okay?
In conclusion, ‘tis simple: I couldn’t care less if they ever shoot another nanosecond of Two and a Half Men, but I truly hope that this show has a renewal or two to go before it’s done. Bravo, Charlie, bravo. Role of a lifetime, buddy – keep on winning!